Recovering Worry-holic

Recovering Worry-holic

Rev. Alia Zara Aurami-Sou, Ph.D., Head Minister
"Amplifying Divine Light in All" Church

I'd like to share a few things about my Life as a Worrier, in case any readers might find them interesting.

I have been a World Class Worrier all my life. Every second of every day. I only gradually began to understand what Mark Twain said, something like "I have had many disasters in my life, most of which never happened." My Ego, of course, encouraged my worrying: Yes, you are wise to see ahead so many possible bad things, and prepare to avoid them. You are doing a great service here, to yourself and others. This is necessary for survival in a dangerous world.

Then I ran across the ideas that energy (emotions) and attention are Creative Forces in life, that we get more of what we are FASCINATED by, and worry is a form of fascination, with what one DOESN'T want. Even worse: My life began to give me actual personal up-close in-the-face experiences of the truth of these ideas. Hmmmmm, sez Ego.

And I began to really experience, not bury, the FEAR in worry. And I began to see that despite my wow, Ego-feeding extreme practical cleverness at avoiding and dealing with all the bad stuff I worried about, I was actually coming from an image of myself as powerless and helpless, that those are intrinsic to, inseparable aspects, of fear itself.

I also began to experience how worry created biochemicals within my body that were very detrimental to my health, and I decided if I had any choice, I would choose to create biochemicals that would be more beneficial to my health.

I also realized I was spending a lot of time feeling crummy, in all those scenarios I was imagining. Not fun. Worthwhile, of course, preventing all those disasters, but not fun.....

Then reality struck, and I began to understand that I was often worrying about things I couldn't prevent, which I began to characterize as useless fretting or stewing. If I have no power to help or prevent, I am only damaging my body. There is no practical value to the worry, except if I try to activate others who might have the power to help or prevent. Ah, well so I can keep that part, goody, I can continue to worry.

THEN I realized that we are all like lightbulbs, radiating energies into the world. Those energies are kinda like electromagnetic. They are both creative and attractors. And they induce similar energies into others. So what was I radiating? What was I attracting? Even worse: what kinds of feelings and outlook was I encouraging and amplifying in others, just by walking around the world radiating worry vibes? Wooops. Yuk.

The final thing that REALLY got through to my inner Worrier was realizing I have a choice about where I put my attention. The world offers EVIDENCE for any kind of future one can imagine. The Worrier picked and chose amongst all the POSSIBLE things to pay attention to, those which pointed to what I DIDN'T want in the future. In a blinding flash, I realized I could EQUALLY VALIDLY choose to pay attention to the things around me in the world that suggested and pointed to more of what I DID want in the future. No constraints, that appeared to be a free-will choice. Nothing preventing a switch.

Oh, Ego said, don't be an utter fool. That's dangerous. You will be an oblivious fool, and get into trouble. A silly shallow person, and disasters will blindside you and you'll die. Don't you have plenty of evidence for that in present and past lives?

What saved me from buying into THAT argument was the EVIDENCE of the creative power of my energy (emotion) and attention. I saw that it's the intensity of the energy, not whether it's joy or fear, that held the creative power with respect to what my attention was on.

So, I had an out. I had a good reason for choosing to spend my time allowing into my attention what I WANT, what I want MORE of. Does this mean "head in the sand," "how can you ignore all the things really going on the world that are awful, how can you not see where things are heading for the world?" To some extent, it does mean that. Because I no longer believe that external world out there exists independently of my consciousness, and that I can only cope or adapt. I own some creative potential. That makes all the difference.

So, I'm still "in recovery," and I do fret about the world, and I do live in fear, but I don't buy into those the way I used to. They are in my psyche, but I have some distance from them. I no longer regard them as the only Truth, the only Way. They are options, and I am choosing another option, daily, hourly, each moment. In spiritual jargon, I regard them as Illusion, I am disidentified from them, I simply Witness them.

I feel the fears, and even have fearful thoughts, worrying thoughts, but I don't "believe" them; I don't think they are truth or about truth. That makes all the difference in the world.

Oh, and now I sometimes foresee possible unpleasant events, and take steps to prevent them, but without fear or worry. Just as when you see a fire, you don't walk into it. No big deal. No worry, fear, energy, just enough attention to do what needs to be done. This is a whole new thing for me. To be calmly and dispassionately preventing a disaster. Wow.

I welcome anyone's input and responses. I bother to share all this because God knows, is there anyone who is not "worried" about "the world?" We all have to deal with this issue.

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